Ways of Life
by LindsayR
Summary: Very Strong R rating. Canon through Smashed, Season 6 Buffy. AU after that. After Buffy uses and abuses Spike he goes to LA and falls into an old way of life, only to be found by some old aquaintances. AtS Crossover Spike/Cordelia/Angel pairing
1. Chapter 1

Ways of Life

By

Anessa Ramsey

Rating:  Very strong R.

Spoilers:  Everything through Smashed, Season 6 Buffy.  Things from there get way different.  Spike is not souled…yet.  Willow did not go magic crazy.  Giles never left.  Spike cannot hurt Buffy but she did come back wrong (emotionally). Xander and Anya got hitched.  As for Angel spoilers here's the deal.  Connor does not exist.  Wesley is still working with Angel.  Gunn and Fred are not together.  Groo just sucks and never came for Cordelia who is not a higher being but she is half demon.

Pairings:  Spike/Cordelia/Angel.  Also slightly mentions: Wes/Fred, Gunn/Anne 

Feedback:  Absolutely!  Good or bad, let me know what you think…as long as you don't flame.

Distribution:  Want.  Take.  Have.  Just email me to let me know where it's going.

Disclaimer:  I own nothing.  Everything belongs to Joss Whedon.

Summary:  Spike goes to LA after being used and abused by Buffy.  Angel and Cordelia try to help him when they find out he's fallen back into an old way of life.  When they try to help him, he finds out that living with them is taking him back to another way of life that he thought was long over as well.  

Author's Note:  I'm not quite sure what was going through my head when I got the idea to write this.  It just sort of came out.  I went with it because I've never seen just a Spike/Cordelia/Angel pairing.  Usually Willow was in the mix too.  I hope you like it.  Just a very weird idea that ended up being a fairly long, tedious, not to mention wordy, project.

        Spike stared at the mirror, wishing he could see his reflection.  He wanted to know what he'd become.  He'd let the bleach go, that much he knew, so he probably had dark roots beginning to show.  He was thin but he hadn't been feeding much.  Butchers' blood just couldn't compare to the taste of warm, coppery human blood sliding down his throat.  His jeans hung down around his hips, loose and baggy on his legs.  More than anything he wanted to see his eyes.  He knew that he probably wouldn't like what he saw but at least it would be something.

         Sighing, he walked out of the small dirty bathroom of the motel room.  He grabbed his white tank top off the floor and pulled it over his head.  He leafed through the money on the nightstand.  It hadn't been a bad night.  The lumpy shape under the covers shifted slightly, just enough for him to make out a head of spiked brown hair.  The guy had been generous for a change, leaving him a fifty-dollar tip in addition to the standard two hundred.  He slipped his feet into his boots and walked out the door, knowing that 'Rick' would call again to set up next week's meeting.

         Spike grimaced at the filth in the streets as he walked down La Cieniga toward his place on Fairfax.  It wasn't much, but it was a place to sleep.  For two months he'd struggled to find some sort of bartendeing position at a club, but there'd been nothing available.  He'd needed money fast or he wouldn't have been able to feed, let alone pay his rent.  So he sold himself.  He'd been lucky that night.  The first guy that stopped had taken a liking to him…no, not him.  His body.  Now 'Rick' was a regular.  He was one of four men that Spike catered to on a weekly basis when he wasn't working a corner.  

         He hadn't wanted to return to prostitution.  The very thought of the idea had sent shivers running through his body.  Angelus had helped him escape that life so long ago, and now here he was, in the same place as way back then.  People always said everything comes full circle.

         He stuffed his hands into his pockets and climbed the stairs to his third floor apartment.  It was not the nicest place but he'd stayed in far worse.  The floor was covered in a dark brown shag carpet that was stained in a couple of places.  There was a TV and VCR sitting on the floor against the largest wall in the living room.  A small plaid sofa graced the other wall.  

         He plopped down on the couch once he let himself into the apartment, flipping on the television, but didn't really pay attention.  His mind was elsewhere.  He thought of the look on 'Rick's' face the first time he said a condom wasn't necessary.  It wasn't like he could carry a disease to give or could catch one from someone else.  'Rick' had been hesitant until Spike had shown him what exactly he was.  His ability to be used with out protection made him a hot property among those who were looking for a good time. 

         He stared at the colorful people smiling and happy on the television screen and tried to remember the last time he'd been truly happy.  He was surprised to realize that it had been not long after he met Angelus.  He hadn't been happy for over eighty years.  He closed his eyes, hoping that sleep would claim him, wondering how he had gotten to this place.

London, 1810

         Will couldn't help but look around the ornate parlor with a sense of awe.  It was the first time he'd ever been in such lavish surroundings.  The walls were painted dark blue and candles hung in ornate sconces on them.  Pillowy chairs were placed carefully about the room and there was a fire roaring in the fireplace.  He noticed two young men, no older than he, watching him discreetly from the corner where they sat playing chess.  It had all happened so suddenly he wasn't quite sure how to take it all in.  He'd only been a prostitute for three weeks and now he was about to work in a brothel.  It wasn't like the ones that were down by the wharf.  The police never came near this place.  They were too afraid to go up against the owner, Jonathon Reynard.  His brothels catered to the members of high society.  They expected quality prostitutes and paid well for their pleasure.  When an associate of Reynard's approached him he'd been suspicious to say the least.  It wasn't everyday that he was offered more money for a week's work of selling his body than he usually made in a month.

         He followed the butler, identified only as Meyers, up the stairs to a large mahogany door.  Meyers opened it and allowed Will to pass.  There was a large man sitting in a chair at the desk.  He stood upon William's entry.  "I am Jonathon Reynard and you must be young William."  His gaze moved over Will's body, taking in every detail.  "You will be a huge success here," he murmured.  "Those eyes will attract much attention.  Your cheekbones and lips will also be marveled at.  Men will be willing to pay quite a bit of money to feel those soft lips wrapped around their cock."  Will blushed, still not used to pleasuring other people for money.  "Look at me, young Will."  Will did as he was told.  "There are only a few rules in this house.  One is that you are not to sell yourself on the side.  Your body now belongs to me.  Two.  The clients are never allowed to brutalize you in any way.  They are made to pay if they do.  You must, however, cater to any other desire that they have.  If you can't agree to that I suggest you leave now.  Three.  There is to be no fraternization among the prostitutes.  Your bodies are for the clients only.  Four.  Should you break any of these rules you will find yourself on the street within a matter of seconds.  Can you live with this?"  William nodded and Jonathon smiled.  "Cheer up child, a whole new life awaits.  Maybe, if you're lucky, someone will take a liking to you and set you up as their own personal whore."  An slightly sadistic grin twisted his features.  "Be downstairs in the parlor promptly at midnight.  Wear only the pants that are laid out for you on that chair.  You will meet the other boys before beginning your duties.  I warn you now, bath after every client because you will be servicing one to three clients a night."

         "Yes, sir," he said, his thoughts whirling.  He'd only been with ten men since he'd started selling himself by the wharf.  This was going to be different and he didn't know if he could handle anything but the rough and brutal way he had started to become accustomed to.  Silently he prayed that his mother would forgive him.  They needed the money and this was the only way for him to be able to provide for her and his sisters.  

         "Good.  I shall see you in the parlor promptly at twelve."  Without another word, he tipped his hat and strode out the door.  Meyers closed it behind Reynard, leaving Will to explore his new quarters.  

         The room was done entirely in reds and black.  His bed was large enough to accommodate three people, maybe four.  It was the largest bed he'd ever seen in his life.  The room was nearly two times the size of the hovel he'd grown up in.  The windows were open and a sweet jasmine scented breeze drifted in, wrapping lazily around his body, inflaming his senses.  He put his things away slowly, watching the time on the ornate grandfather clock that stood in the corner.  When it was thirty minutes until midnight he pulled on the black pants that had been left for him and sat on the bed, trying his best not to let his nerves get to him.  He'd done it before.  It wasn't anything new.  Only the location was different, as were the men.  When five until midnight rolled around he headed down to the main parlor that he'd passed through earlier.  Only now it was filled with half dressed young men, most no older than seven and twenty and the rest were no younger than ten and six.

         A young dark haired boy looked up at him from a chair.  "Yer the new one, aren't ye?" he said, his voice husky for a boy no older than ten and eight.

William nodded, unable to remember how to speak.  The men in the room were gorgeous.  How was he ever going to compete with them?  "Dinna worry.  Ye'll do fine," the boy continued.  "I'm Duncan.  What's yer name?"

         "William."

         "Let me give ye some advice William.  Look out for a mick named Angelus.  He likes the innocent ones.  Those eyes of yers will draw him in.  Pray that yer with a client when he arrives.  Once he fixates on someone he doesna like others touching what he considers his.  If he chooses ye, ye'll belong to him as long as yer here or until he tires of ye.  Mr. Reynard caters to him.  I think he's actually afraid of him.  They say that he's a vampire."

         Duncan turned away abruptly when Mr. Reynard entered the room.  "Line up," he said, waiting patiently as they formed a single file line.  He walked down the line, inspecting each boy closely, making sure that they were ready for the evening.  He stopped in front of William who was at the end of the line.  "You'll not be working the room tonight, boy.  I've arranged for a private session between you and one of my most valued patrons.  Be in your room in ten minutes.  Meyers will be there to assist you with preparations.  Angelus likes things just so."  William's eyes widened and Reynard laughed, striding out of the room.

         "Looks like yer going to be Angelus' pet after all," Duncan whispered before going off to mingle with the finely dressed gentlemen and lords that were beginning to filter into the room. 

Los Angeles, 2002

         Cordelia couldn't help but hit the computer screen in frustration.  Ever since Angel hired her she'd been trying to figure out how to work the machine properly.  It was not going well.  It didn't help that Gunn made fun of her for her lack of finesse with anything technological.  Sometimes she just wanted to kill him.  She didn't know how Anne put up with him.

         Completely exhausted from a long day's work, she grabbed her purse and shouted out to Angel that she was leaving.  Wesley offered to drive her home but she declined, wanting to be alone for a little while.  She was almost to her apartment building when she saw the boys on the corner.  She could spot the regulars by now.  Some of them were no older than fifteen and the oldest one looked about twenty-one.  There were several cars pulled up next to them and she knew what was going on.  They were selling themselves.  It made her so sad that they were reduced to that kind of life.  Sometimes she took them something to eat.  They were wary at first…nothing is what it appears to be in the City of Angels, but soon they came to like the fact that she fed them yet didn't try to pressure them into going to a shelter or teen halfway house.

         She was going to make her usual stopover later but she noticed a flash of white blond hair.  It didn't take but a second to realize who was getting out of the black Mercedes that just pulled up.  Spike.  Thank god she kept in touch with Willow occasionally or she'd be running to get to her apartment building.  She watched him shove a wad of bills into his pocket and straighten his shirt.  He was incredibly thin.  He looked like he hadn't fed in a while, not even on bagged blood.  And he was turning tricks.  That was something she certainly never expected.  

         Squaring her shoulders she walked across the street.  "Jimmy," she said, coming up behind a fifteen year old with scruffy black hair.  She gave him a hug then started making her way toward Spike, who was talking to another guy through the window of his car.  She hesitated just a moment before tapping him on the shoulder.

         "I'm busy, go away," he snapped, not even bothering to look behind him.

         "Nope.  I'm staying until I figure out what to tell my boss about his childe being in town and the fact that he's whoring himself."

         Spike turned around slowly and was immediately replaced by an eighteen-year-old boy named Marco.  "Bloody hell woman!  Now I've lost a client.  Are you happy?"

         "The fact that you're in town would ruin anyone's good mood.  What are you doing here Spike?"

         "I could ask you the same thing, luv."

         "I work here in LA, remember?  My boss happens to be your sire.  I also live across the street and know most of the regular kids on this corner.  I know about the chip but if even one of them is harmed by you, you'll beg me to stake you before I'm through with you," she hissed.  She was not going to let him hurt these kids.  They were doing a good enough job of that on their own.  They didn't need any help in that department.  A picture of J ran through her mind.  He used to work the corner regularly.  He had been wary of her at first but soon they'd become friends.  One night she made her usual delivery of food and a few bucks but J hadn't been there.  When she asked if he was with a client Marco told her that J got killed by a client.  She cried all night.  The unfairness of it came out in grief stricken sobbing.

         Spike broke into her thoughts.  "Don't worry, luv.  I'm not feeding.  I don't do that anymore.  Can't, remember?  I know the witch told you that.  All I do here is work.  And you better not say one damn word to Peaches about this.  It's none of his business."  Spike turned away and for a moment she could see in his eyes how much he hated what he was doing.

         "Why are you doing this Spike?"

         He growled lightly.  "I don't have time to stand here and make with the chit chat, cheerleader.  Unlike you I have very few hours to try to make end meat.  If you want to talk, you pay me for my time.  Otherwise, I'm going to walk over to that car and proposition the driver.  It's what I do."  He walked away and Cordelia sighed.  She didn't have the money to pay him to talk.  She didn't even know why she was considering it.  It was probably because she saw something in his eyes that had never been there before.  He seemed…broken.  She watched helplessly as he got into the sedan and it pulled away from the curb.  She wouldn't be seeing him again that night.  She was going to have to talk to Angel.

         It had been two days and every time she thought about telling Angel something came up.  But now there was no putting off the inevitable, so she opened the door and walked into his office.  "We need to talk."

         He barely glanced up from his paperwork.  "About what?"

         She was getting impatient.  He wasn't paying any attention to her.  "About what Spike is doing in town selling himself on street corners at night."

         "He's what?"  His head snapped up and she smirked.  That got his attention.

         "He's selling his body on a street corner several nights a week.  There's a group of kids that work the corner across from my apartment.  I know a couple of them cause I take them food sometimes.  I saw Spike there the other night.  I tried to talk to him but he said if I wanted to talk I had to pay for his time.  He didn't look good Angel.  He was way too thin…even more so than I remember, and he's let the peroxide go.  His brown roots were at least an inch long."

         Angel sighed.  Spike.  It always came back to his wayward childe.  "There's nothing I can do to help, Cordy.  How he lives his life isn't my concern.  He's been on his own for over a century.  He's not my responsibility anymore."

         "Okay, this is going to sound really strange.  I can't believe I'm actually going to defend Spike, but don't you think that you should at least find out why he's here?  The last time we saw him was the Amara incident.  That didn't go well if I remember correctly."  Now came the hard part.  "I'm worried about him Angel.  You didn't see him.  I don't think he's eating, not even bagged blood.  I looked into his eyes, Angel, and he seemed broken.  Not just sad, but really truly broken.  He covered it well with anger.  Lots of anger.  Maybe you could call someone in Sunnydale and find out what's going on.  He was working with the gang according to Willow."

         He knew there was no way he was going to get out of this so he picked up the phone and dialed the number he knew so well.  Cordelia sat down on the couch that was up against the far wall.  She wanted to know what Willow had to say.

         "Willow, it's Angel."

         "Hey, Angel," Willow said in response.  "It's been a while."

         "I know.  I'm calling to find out about Spike.  I had this feeling that something was wrong with him."  Cordelia shot him a look and he shrugged.  It was the only way to explain why he wanted to know about Spike.

         "You're not wrong.  He took off.  No one knows where."  He heard her sigh loudly on the other end of the line.  "Buffy's been having some…problems…since she came back from her…vacation.  She was taking out all her anger on Spike.  None of us realized it until it was too late.  We caught her holding a stake above his heart in the training room.  The weird thing was he didn't even try to fight her.  It was like it had been going on so long that he didn't care anymore."

         "So she was beating him up?  That's nothing unusual."  Willow paused and he knew that it was something more than a simple beating.  

         "Angel, she was having sex with him at the time.  Apparently they slept together one night, it was mutual then.  I guess, though, that things got progressively worse.  You know Spike was in love with her, right?"

         Angel clenched his fists, but he'd known for some time.  Giles had informed him.  "Yes," he said tightly.

         "Well, it seems that he didn't want to be used and it got to the point where she began beating him and holding a stake over his heart before she would…" Willow trailed off momentarily, but Angel got the idea.  "And he wasn't able to defend himself.  Chip."

         It was a lot to absorb.  "Willow, that's got to be wrong, Buffy would never do that.  Spike must have done something to provoke her."

         "I'm sorry Angel.  We all saw him.  He could barely move.  She broke some ribs and a cheekbone.  His eyes were swollen and bruised.  There wasn't a spot on his chest that wasn't purple or yellow.  It was going on for a while.  Dawn was the first to notice that Spike was walking weird.  He'd been moving real slow because of the pain.  He told us that he kept getting in bar fights.  We took him at his word.  It had happened before."

         "How's Buffy doing?"

         "Not so good.  It's like she knew that what she was doing was wrong but couldn't stop herself.  She's having nightmares about it.  Even now though, she's still got some problems.  She still won't really talk to us about much and she still patrols all night, every night.  I think she's taken up with other vampires, but I don't know for sure.  Dawn won't speak to her.  Even Xander and I are having trouble talking to her.  Spike was never really one of us but what she did was pretty awful."  He couldn't speak.  There was nothing to say.  "He's in LA, isn't he?" she asked when he didn't speak.

         "Yeah."

         "Is he…okay?"

         "No.  I didn't see him.  Cordy did.  Apparently he's not eating much and he's selling himself.  She said he looked broken."

         "Oh, goddess.  You will help him right?  Please don't let him keep doing that.  I can't explain to Dawn that he's doing that."

         Angel sighed.  "I'll do what I can Willow.  He may not want to be helped."

         "All I'm asking is that you try.  Please."

         "I will.  Thanks for talking to me."

         "No problem.  You'll let me know how things go?"

         "Yeah.  Goodbye.

         "Bye, Angel."

         He set the phone down with an audible click.  Cordelia was dying to know what was going on.  "Well?" she snapped.

         He didn't know where to begin.  It was insane.  This was Buffy.  She didn't do things like that.  "Willow said that Buffy was…raping Spike.  She would beat him to the point where he couldn't stop her, then she would hold a stake over his heart while she used him."  Cordelia gasped. 

         "That's sick!" she said, the disgust in her voice evident.  Angel didn't respond.  He was too lost in his thoughts.  What was he going to do?  Spike would never listen to anything he had to say.  He could use Cordelia to get to Spike.  He sighed.  It was going to be a long week.

Sunnydale, CA  2002

         Dawn came skipping down the stairs.  She was having a good day, one of few since Spike left.  Willow was just hanging up the phone in the kitchen.  "Who was on the phone?"

         Willow glanced at Dawn uncertainly.  She wasn't ready to deal with this yet.  She hadn't had time to decide what would be appropriate to say to a sixteen-year-old girl.  "It was Angel," she hedged.  She turned away and went to rummage through the fridge.  She was suddenly very thirsty.  Hungry too.  

         Dawn was more perceptive than anyone gave her credit for.  "Spike's in LA," she said.  It wasn't a question.

         Taking out a carton of chocolate milk she poured both of them a glass.  "Yes.  Cordelia saw him the other day."

         The smile on Dawn's face was luminous.  It just reinforced the fact that maybe the only one who really knew Spike was Dawn.  They seemed to have a friendship that none of the others did.  It was strange but it seemed like Dawn and Spike were better friends to each other than any of the gang were to themselves.  It must have destroyed her to find out that her best friend left town.  "He's okay right.  I mean, he called to let me know he got there okay, and I've talked to him a couple of times since…" she clapped her hand over her mouth.  She cringed.  Babbling always got her into trouble.  Something always slipped out.

         "I should have guessed.  He never would have left without saying goodbye to his niblet.  How long have you been talking to him, Dawn?"

         "He calls every couple of weeks.  Other than that we write to each other.  I've been in contact with him since he left.  He didn't want Buffy to know where he was going.  That's why he never puts a return address on any of his letters."

         Willow was about to tell her that Spike was having a few problems when Buffy walked in the door.  She strolled into the kitchen and Dawn stiffened.  She stood unsteadily, grabbed her glass of milk and walked out of the room.  Buffy watched her go.  "Still mad?"  Willow nodded.  "You would think that she would at least be talking to me.  It's been over two months."  

         "He was her best friend, Buffy.  Give her time."

         Buffy sighed.  There were dark circles under her eyes because she hadn't been sleeping well and she was patrolling constantly.  She couldn't seem to stop herself now that Spike was gone.  It was like the only time she felt alive was when she was screwing a vampire into the ground.  She missed him though she'd never admit it aloud.  At least she had been able to talk to him…until she had started hurting him.  Now there was no one to talk to at all.  

Willow watched Buffy carefully, seeing no emotion cross her friend's face.  Her eyes held hundreds of feelings though and she knew that it was only a matter of time before all of them came spilling out.  She just hoped Buffy would be ready when they did.  Changing her train of thought she knew it was time to break the news.  "I just got off the phone with Angel."

         Buffy's head shot up and Willow grimaced.  She assumed it was because Buffy still had feelings for the souled vampire, but it was because she was hoping that he might know something about where Spike was.  "How was he?"

         "Good.  He called because Cordelia ran into someone familiar the other night."

         "Who?"

         "I think we both know who I'm talking about.  She saw Spike."

         Everything inside her tightened at the mention of his name.  She was starting to feel things again but they weren't the feelings that she wanted.  She wanted to find that peace she'd had before being ripped out of Heaven.  "How was he?"  She could hear how breathy her voice sounded and she fought to control her reaction.

         "He wasn't great," Willow said.  "Not even good really.  They think he isn't eating much."  She paused.  Now it was time for the hard part.  "Cordelia saw him…selling his body on the corner across from her apartment.  Angel said she tried to talk to him but that he seemed broken and angry."

         Selling himself?  Her stomach churned in revulsion.  She knew it was her fault but let nothing show.  Even as her whole body screamed in denial, she could tell by the look on Willow's face that it was true.  She could still see his face as Giles and Xander pulled her off of him.  Willow and Tara had been forced to perform a spell for his pain.  Giles had berated her for her cruelty while Xander and Anya just stared at her in horror.  She'd taken it just fine until Dawn walked in.  It was as if her sister had known instinctively that Spike was hurt.  Dawn had run toward the training room only to see her sister's handiwork.  She'd lost Dawn that night.  Spike too.  She'd never let herself believe until that moment that Spike was anything more than a thing.  She'd convinced herself that he couldn't feel.  But then she'd watched as Willow and Tara tried to fix him.  Dawn cried and held his hand.  Xander, Anya, and Giles fixed up the small bed in the backroom for him to sleep on.  Everyone seemed to care about Spike in a way that had let her know that they saw him as more than just a thing.

         For just a moment their eyes had met and in those few seconds she'd understood that it was all over.  Gone was the look of love that had once filled his eyes.  There'd been nothing left of it.  There had been nothing at all.  Those blue eyes were dim and held no insight to his feelings.  And that's when she knew that she'd been wrong.  He just looked at her blankly, not even really seeing her.  

         Her heart broke that night.  She may not have loved him, but he never deserved what she did to him.  She'd listened as Dawn screamed at her and Giles and Willow asked her questions about how long it had been going on.  Several hours and long talks later everyone left to go home.  Willow and Tara had waited for her outside with Dawn.  Giles drove Xander and Anya home.  She'd been left alone with a sleeping vampire and a key to lock the door behind her.  For ten minutes she'd watched him sleep.  She'd watched him toss and turn and listened to him beg her to stop in his dreams.  She left and for several days she avoided everyone.  By the time she felt comfortable going back to the Magic Box, Spike had already healed enough to move back to his crypt.  He left town two days later.  And yet even now, knowing what she'd done to him, she couldn't stop herself from finding a willing, or even unwilling, vampire every night to numb her body and mind to the memories of both Heaven and Spike.

         "They're going to try and help him, right?" she asked sadly.

         "Angel said he would.  I got the feeling though that he wasn't looking forward to trying."

         Buffy just nodded.

         "I'm sorry Buffy," Willow said, hoping that her friend was feeling something over this revelation.  If she was she wasn't letting it show.

         Again all she got in response was another nod.  Buffy moved past her and poured a glass of orange juice before walking out the back door to sit on the porch, leaving Willow to wonder if her friend would ever be right again.  She was filled with the guilt of knowing that if Buffy stayed this way it was mostly her fault for having pulled her friend from Heaven.  Silently she went about putting her empty glass in the dishwasher and wiping down the counter, unaware of the fact that Dawn had heard the entire conversation from where she sat at the dining room table, her homework long forgotten.

Los Angeles, 2002

         Cordelia shivered in the cool night breeze.  She stood on the corner talking to Jimmy and Marco, hoping that Spike would show up.  They said that he was usually there on Thursday nights.  She just hoped that he didn't decide to be somewhere else the one night she was going to try to talk to him.  Angel was hidden in the shadows of a nearby alley.  He was there to make sure that Spike didn't try anything.

         She was about to give up and signal to Angel that she was going in, but a black Mercedes, the same as last time, pulled up and Spike got out.  She was unaware of the vampire that was growling in the alley.  Angel was pissed.  His boy was letting others touch him.  Didn't Spike remember whom he belonged to?  He was so busy dwelling on his jealousy that he almost missed how thin Spike was.  Almost.  He took in the hair that was gradually becoming brown again and the way his ribs seemed to jut out beneath the black t-shirt he was wearing.  Something was seriously wrong with his childe.

         Cordelia practically pounced on Spike the second he was out of the car.  "Bloody hell, you stupid bint," he sneered.  "What do you want?"  She didn't say a word.  Instead she reached into her pocket and pulled out three one hundred dollar bills.  He tried to snatch them out of her hand.  She pulled back before he could.

         "If you want the money, you have to come with me.  We need to talk."'

         "For that much cheerleader, you just lead the way."

         He was surprised when she crossed the street and went into a small apartment building.  He followed her anyway and soon they were standing in front of her apartment.  She opened the door and invited him in.  "Be nice.  Dennis doesn't really like strangers."

         "Dennis?" he asked, looking around for any sign of a male presence.

         "My roommate is a ghost."

         Spike snorted but was stunned when a glass of water floated through the room and was set down on the table in front of him.  "Thanks, Dennis," Cordelia said as she sat next to Spike.  "So, you want to tell me what the hell is up with you?  Normally I wouldn't invite a person who tried to kill my friends and me on numerous occasions into my home, but you looked like you needed to talk.  And I'm really good at that."

         Sod it all, the bint was going to get all touchy feely.  "I'm not going to sit here like my ponce of a sire and discuss my feelings."

         "Fine then."  She stood up.  "You can see yourself out."  She began to walk away, the money still in her pocket.  He stopped her by grabbing her wrist.

         "You can't tell my sire any of this."  His voice was soft and he reminded her of a lost little boy.  His eyelashes were long and gave him an innocence that made him even more attractive than he already was.  No!  Bad!  She wasn't supposed to be thinking like that.  She sat down and pulled her wrist out of his embrace.

         "I won't."  He already knows most of it.

         For three hours they talked, unaware of the vampire pacing on the street below.  He was growing angrier by the second.  Finally he couldn't take it anymore.  He stalked up to Cordelia's apartment and before he even realized what he planned to do, he kicked the door open and was grabbing Spike off the couch by his shirt.  Angel's large hands fisted in the soft material.  "Spike," he hissed.  His childe didn't look at him.  

         "Angel, what are you doing?" Cordelia snapped.  "Put him down this second!"  Queen C reared her head and Angel listened.  He set Spike on his feet.  

         "Well, isn't this just fun."  He grabbed his cigarettes off the table.  "If it isn't Peaches.  Last time I saw you, you were all strung up."  Cordelia pinched his arm.  

         "Be nice."

         "I'm guessing you talked to the slayer or one of her sidekicks.  What'd they say?  That big bad Spike hurt the slayer?"  He laughed scornfully and Angel looked into his eyes, surprised to see nothing.  Spike's eyes always revealed how he felt, but there was no longer anything there.  Buffy really did a number on him.  Angel remembered a time when those eyes had been filled with love for him.

London, 1811

         William stretched luxuriously.  He felt the cool arm thrown casually over his waist tighten.  Angelus liked keeping him close.  For over a year they'd been lovers.  Sure, William was originally meant to be a pleasure for Angelus, but despite the fact that he was a kept man, they were drawn to each other in other ways too.  They both were bright, intelligent men who enjoyed literary pursuits, the arts, and occasionally…women.  William knew that Angelus had other mistresses of the female variety but he didn't care.  He knew that he was favored.  

         He felt Angelus stir behind him.  Turning slightly he looked over at his lover.  He still couldn't believe that this gorgeous man was not really alive.  Everything about him was perfect.  

Angelus' chocolate brown orbs snapped open and looked into the cerulean pools of his lover.  William was the perfect lover.  Mr. Reynard had chosen wisely and had been generously rewarded for his choice.  They were insatiable together.  Sometimes they would sequester themselves in a room, making love for days on end.  Darla thought he'd gone round the bend.  He was constantly with his human pet.  It made her extremely angry that William was able to take him from her.  Angelus knew that one day soon he would turn William.  He wanted to keep his lover forever, but he refused to tell the young man that he loved him.  Darla would destroy both of them if she heard that Angelus, the Scourge of Europe, had fallen in love.  He could see the love shining in William's eyes and knew that soon they would belong to each other for eternity.

Los Angeles, 2002

         Angel shook himself out of the memory and continued talking.  "I spoke with Willow," he said, ignoring the strange look Spike was giving him.  It was as if his childe knew where his mind had wandered.  He was always too damn perceptive.  "She told me what happened.  Are you alright?"

         Spike snorted.  "And you actually believe the dozy bint?  That would mean that your infallible slayer did something wrong.  How hard was it for you to hear that the love of your life was nothing more than a bitch in heat?  Did you know that I wasn't the only one she used?  Slutty was screwing other vamps too.  I watched once as she fucked a guy straight out of the grave.  He was covered in dirt but she didn't care.  She just wanted to get off.  She staked him as she came."

         Angel tried his hardest to ignore the words, to believe that Spike was lying, but the anger and hurt and betrayal in his voice spoke of the truth.  "No.  I didn't know.  Willow only knew about you.  That's why you're here.  Cordelia was concerned and now that I've seen you, I am too."

         "You don't have the right to be concerned.  You lost that privilege when you walked away."

         "I may not have that right anymore, but you can't keep doing this.  I didn't get you out of this life in London only to have you start it up again here."  He stopped for a moment, wondering how to get Spike to admit that he hated what he was doing to himself.  "Or maybe you don't want to stop.  I think that you like sucking off strangers in their cars.  I think you like getting reamed by a nice hard cock.  Do you like being fucked by someone you don't know?  Do you like having cock shoved down your throat?  Do you like swallowing salty cum?  Do you like feeling it run out of your ass minutes after you've been fucked?  Do you Spike?  If that's what you wanted, you should have come to me.  I would have been more than willing to fuck you seven ways to Sunday.  Unless it's the fact that you don't know these men that gets you off?"

         Cordelia sort of collapsed back onto the couch as the words spewed out of Angel's mouth.  She'd never heard him speak like that.  She knew that he was trying to get a rise out of Spike but she didn't know why.  She was still trying to understand when Spike slugged Angel.  "You stupid ponce.  You asshole.  I have never liked it.  Unlike some vampires, I don't have many choices on how to get money.  I had to do it.  There was nothing else."  

         "Oh, come on Spike.  You mean to say that you never got off on it?  They never made you enjoy it?  You're ready to go right now.  You want to be fucked.  You never were man enough to admit that you liked taking it more than giving it."

         Angel received another punch to the jaw.  Spike needed to let everything out.  Angel needed to get him to break.  It was the only way Spike would ever begin to heal.  He could see the toll that Buffy's use of his body and feelings had had on Spike.  He willed himself to keep going.  "Is that all you've got?  You punch like a girl.  You always liked taking it that way too.  Do you still liked to be fucked missionary?  I remember that well.  You loved to watch me screw you into the bed.  Pathetic little William who loved big bad Angelus so much he took it like a girl."  He could see anger flaring bright in Spike's eyes.  It wouldn't take much more.  "Are you still love's bitch, Spike?  Are you still falling in love with people who could care less about you?  Are you still beneath everyone you ever cared about?"  That was it.  Angel could see the moment the dam broke.  Tears began to fall from Spike's eyes as he launched himself at Angel.  They fell to the floor with a thud and Spike tried fighting his sire, but the tears were blinding his eyes.  Angel soon had the upper hand and was straddling Spike's waist, pining his childe to the floor.  Spike's struggles for freedom stopped moments later.  Angel could feel Spike's ribs jutting out and he sliced open his wrist with his fangs and held it to Spike's mouth.  For several moments Spike refused the offer, but the smell of blood called to him.  He latched on to Angel's wrist and began to suck greedily.

         Angel turned to look at Cordy who was watching the whole scene wide eyed.  "Do you mind if I use your couch tonight?"

         "Take my room, I don't mind.  There's actually a bed in there and it's large enough for both of you."  She paused, concerned.  "Is he going to be okay?"

         "Yeah.  He'll be mad as hell, but he'll be fine.  I'm sorry you had to listen to that, I just had to get him to break.  If he kept that all bottled up inside it would have killed him or driven him crazy.  There's still a lot of anger in him…and hurt, but maybe now he'll be more open to the idea of us helping him."

         Spike had stopped drinking from Angel's wrist and fallen unconscious.  Angel picked him up and took him to Cordelia's room.  She followed behind them to get a blanket and some pillows since she was going to be sleeping on the couch.  She pulled back the sheets and Angel laid Spike in the middle of the bed.  She went to grab one of the many pillows that littered the bed but Angel stopped her.  "There's plenty of room," he said softly, indicating space on Spike's left side.  

         She blushed.  "I don't know, Angel…"

         "We won't bite.  And we certainly won't do anything inappropriate…or at least we'll try not to.  Chances are Spike won't even wake up."  He chuckled when her blush deepened.  She didn't look it but Cordy was still pretty innocent when it came to some things.  She never let it show, though, and that's why he admired her.  She snagged a pair of flannel pants and a tank top from the closet and went into the bathroom to change.  Angel slipped out of his jacket and stretched out on the bed, spooning himself against Spike's back.  It'd been so long since they'd been so close without physically hurting each other.  He was amazed at how right it felt.  Closing his eyes, he drifted off into sleep, the events of the night having taken their toll.

         Cordelia came out of the bathroom and couldn't help but smile at the two sleeping vampires in her bed.  They probably had no idea how strikingly handsome they both were.  Light and Dark.  They were perfect and would be forever.  Sighing lightly, she crawled into bed and pulled the covers up over all of them.  She was sharing a bed with two vampires.  No…her life wasn't even remotely strange.  Within minutes she was deep in slumber, unconsciously snuggling deeper into the embrace of a peroxide blond vampire who was watching her with icy blue eyes.

         When Cordelia awoke she found herself plastered against Spike, her head resting on his chest and her right leg thrown over his.  She nearly screamed when she realized the position she was in.  Then she remembered the events of the night before and sighed with relief.  Nothing bad had happened.  She noticed Angel curled against Spike's back and was relieved that his clothes were still on.  There would be no appearances being made by Angelus.  Focusing on Angel's eyes, she was surprised to see them locked on her.   "This is interesting," he said.  He wasn't acting like himself.  Ever since last night he'd been making remarks that were too much like his demon.  She felt a little uncomfortable until he reassured her that Angelus was still tightly reined in by the soul.  "I'm still dressed Cordy.  Nothing happened."

         "Sorry, it's just kind of strange."

         "Not for me.  I've been wanting to get you into bed for ages."  He laughed when her eyes widened and she was so intent on scrambling away that she fell off the bed.  The thud had Angel laughing and the bed was shaking so hard that Spike woke up.  

         The second he opened his eyes he knew something was wrong.  He wasn't in his apartment.  That's when images of the night before came flooding back.  Bloody hell!  He was in the cheerleader's apartment.  In her bed.  What the hell happened?  Not that he wouldn't do the girl…she was very shaggable, he just wanted to remember if he was good or not.  Then he noticed the feeling of someone pressed against his back.  Someone who wasn't soft, but very, very muscular with a familiar scent that belonged to his sire.  He froze.  He was in bed with his sire who was laughing at something.  Oh shit!  He was laughing.  Peaches never laughed…but Angelus did.  He shot up and out of the bed before anyone could move.  

         "I see you're awake," Angel said, taking in Spike's disheveled hair.  It looked so much better when he didn't slick it back.  Angel could smell the fear on Spike.  He was really terrified at the prospect of Angelus' return.  Not that Angel blamed him.  Angelus had done horrible things to Spike when he'd been confined to that wheelchair.  "I'm not Angelus, boy.  If I was, she'd be dead already."  He pointed to Cordelia who Spike finally saw sitting on the floor next to the bed.  

         "Right then.  I'll just be going now."  He walked from the room not realizing that Angel and Cordelia were right behind him.  Cordy managed to run to the door and block his departure.  There was no way they were going to let him go so that he could turn around and sell himself again that night.  

         "You can't go now.  It's all sunny out and there's no sewer access," she said, desperate to keep him in her apartment.  

         "Oh bollocks!  You're determined to ruin my unlife, aren't you?" he yelled, turning on his sire.  "It's none of your bloody business who I sleep with, when or how much they pay me to do it.  Just because Slutty tells you some tale about hurting me doesn't mean that you can make me one of your bleedin' charity cases.  I don't want your help.  I don't need it."

         "Sure you don't Spike.  That's why your body isn't even yours anymore.  It belongs to whoever can afford it.  You wouldn't have gone back to that life if there weren't something wrong.  Give us a chance to help you."

         Spike shook his head.  He didn't want this.  All he wanted to do was make money and let himself be used.  The slayer had screwed him up good.  He laughed, a short self-deprecating laugh.  The only time he ever felt worth anything was when he was with a client.  At least he knew what was expected of him then.  They wanted to be fucked or wanted to fuck something.  He gave them that.  It was easy to pretend that it was a worthy existence, but it wasn't.  He looked at the cheerleader who stepped away from the door, making it clear that if he wanted he could leave.  Peaches was watching him intently and he hated that Angel's stare still had the ability to make him tremble inside.  'I don't want the bastard,' he repeated over and over in his head.  Maybe if he said it enough it would be true.  

         "Give it a chance Spike.  You can help us out.  I know that you were helping in Sunnydale.  You can do the same thing here.  We've been looking to get some more help anyway," Cordy said, looking to Angel to back her up.

         "She's right.  Stay.  The hotel has plenty of rooms that you can stay in.  I know that where you are probably isn't that great.  The hotel is big and there are more than enough places to hide if you want to be alone.  I know you like that sometimes."

         It was tempting.  They were offering him a nice place to stay without having to worry about paying bills or selling himself.  He could earn back some of the dignity that he'd lost.  Even more tempting were the two people standing in front of him.  They wanted him to do this.  They cared enough to try and help him.  The only other person he could say that about was the nibblet and she was in Sunnyhell.  'Here you go Spike.  This is your chance to get out…again.  You'd be stupid not to take them up on their offer."  He growled lightly, trying to shut up that annoying voice in his head.  "Fine," he snapped.  He was surprised when the chit gave him a big hug.  It sort of felt like he was being welcomed to the family.  He glanced at Angel and for just a moment he wished that things between them could have been different.  Maybe this was his chance to set things right.

         The next several days passed uneventfully.  Spike was introduced to the gang.  He and Wes became friends once Wesley got over his fear of the bleach blonde vampire.  Both of them liked talking about England and places they'd both been.  Gunn was impressed with Spike's fighting abilities while Fred just thought he was cute.  He treated her like a kid sister, kind of like Dawn.  Cordy and Spike were becoming closer each day, sometimes to Angel's chagrin.  He hated how close they seemed.  He wanted that closeness with Spike and surprisingly he found himself envious of Spike as well.  He wanted Cordelia too.  It was driving him crazy and he was taking that rage out on every evil demon they came across.  

         Three weeks after Spike moved into the hotel she arrived.  She just sort of snuck quietly in the door and stood in the entry until someone noticed her.  Cordelia was the first to see her.  Dawn stared at Cordelia a moment before saying, "Hey Cordelia.  I'm looking for Spike."

         "Oh my god!  Dawn!" Cordy screamed and came around the counter.  She enfolded the girl in a hug.  Spike was upstairs when he heard Cordelia's shout.  Dawn…there was no way.  He ran out of the room and down the stairs, skidding to a halt when he saw the nibblet being fussed over by a very excited ex-cheerleader.  

         The second Dawn saw Spike she rushed past Cordelia and launched herself at the vampire, her arms wrapping around his neck tightly.  It was a good thing he didn't need to breathe otherwise she would have cut off the flow of oxygen.  Angel had come out of his office and was watching the bittersweet reunion with a smile on his face.

         Pulling Dawn away from him, he dragged her to the sofa in the lobby.  "What are you doing here, Bit?  Does anyone know where you are?  How did you get here?"

         "Jeez, Spike.  One question at a time.  I came to see you.  I left a note telling them that I needed to get away for a few days.  I didn't tell them that I was going anywhere specific, but Willow's smart, she'll figure it out.  And I got here on a bus."

         Spike began lecturing Dawn on the stupidity of taking a bus to LA, even during the day.  Crazy people weren't just confined to the night.  He kept going even as the phone rang.  Angel answered it and wasn't surprised to hear Buffy on the other end.  He assured her that Dawn was fine.  He said that they would keep her for a few days, but Buffy said no and insisted on coming down to get her.  Angel tried to dissuade her, knowing the real reason she was coming to LA, but in the end he wasn't able to get her to stay away.  He only hoped that Spike could handle seeing the slayer after everything that happened.  He was surprised by the protective feelings that he was having toward Spike.  It wasn't right.  Not after everything they had done to each other.  But he couldn't deny that they were there.

         It was nearly nine o'clock when the door opened to Angel Invesigations and Buffy Summers walked through it.  Cordelia sat behind the desk ignoring her.  She had never really liked Buffy and now she had a reason to hate her.  "Where's Angel?" Buffy asked, trying to be civil.  Cordelia wasn't one of her favorite people either.  

         Cordelia didn't answer.  Instead she yelled, "Angel!  She's here!" then got up and left the room.  For several minutes Buffy was left standing alone and awkward in the lobby.  She nearly sighed with relief when Angel came down the stairs.  "Hey, Angel," she said softly.  She couldn't look him in the eye.  He knew what she'd done.  

         "Buffy," he said coolly.  She'd never heard his voice so cold before.  It worried her.

         "Where's Dawn?"  She wanted to get this over with.  Angel wasn't exactly making her feel very welcome.  She knew that she probably wasn't.  As much as she wanted to believe that Angel still loved her, she also knew that she had violated one of his childer.  Giles once told her all about vampire clans and sire and childe bonds.  No matter how much he might love her, his bond with Spike surpassed it, something that had made her very angry once upon a time.

         "She's with Spike.  They went to get a bite to eat.  They'll be back later.  I wanted to talk to you…alone."

         Buffy swallowed hard.  She didn't want to talk, she just wanted to get Dawn and go.  "I really don't need to hear it from you too, Angel.  I've gotten enough lectures and evil looks over the past few months to last a lifetime."  

         "Well, you're damn well going to listen to me.  I don't give a damn how guilty you feel or what your excuses might be.  I don't care that you couldn't feel anything.  You didn't bother to look to hurt the ones who brought you back instead you hurt the one person other than Dawn who thought you deserved peace.  What were you thinking?  Or was it just about having control over someone who couldn't fight back?  I know about the others too.  Did you honestly think that Spike wouldn't tell me?"

         "What do you want me to say?  That I'm sorry?  I've said it.  Over and over I've said it.  What else is there for me to do?"  She stared at her former love.  They were so far apart now that she couldn't even see where they'd ever had enough in common to be so in love in the first place.  "I'm well aware of what I did and I have to live with it.  Dawn won't speak to me and the rest of the gang can't look me in the eye.  I don't need any lectures from you."

         "You've apologized to everyone but the one person who needs to hear it the most."  He sighed.  This was difficult, confronting her like this.  "I'm sorry that your friends are acting different, but you can't expect them to be all normal.  They witnessed you doing something horrible.  In Xander's case that was probably a big blow to him.  He's always worshipped you in a way."  He tilted his head, watching her closely.  He could sense her still and he knew she was trying valiantly to hide something.  It took just a moment but he was pretty sure he knew what she was hiding.  "You miss him.  You love him."

         "No," she answered honestly.  "I don't love him Angel.  But I do miss him.  He was the only one I could talk to and he probably still would be if I hadn't done what I did."  She had just revealed more of her feelings to him than she had to anyone since Spike left.

         Before he had a chance to respond the door opened behind Buffy.  Spike and Dawn walked in laughing like hyenas.  'Some things never change,' Buffy thought, glad that Dawn's friendship with Spike hadn't changed, despite her words in Sunnydale that Dawn wasn't to go near him.  "Dawn," she said softly.  The brunette's head shot up and she glared daggers at her sister.  Spike said nothing.  Buffy tried to make eye contact with him, but he refused to even glance her way.

         "What are you doing here?  I thought Angel told you I could stay a few days."

         "I told him no.  You're coming home with me tonight."

         "No I'm not, Buffy.  I'm staying right where I am."  Buffy's eyes widened at Dawn's tone of voice.  She'd never heard her sister sound so determined…or grown up.  "I've asked Angel to find out how to go about getting myself declared an emancipated minor.  I'm tired of living with you and your poor me-I got ripped out of Heaven-mood swings.  Deal with it."

         Buffy was stunned into silence.  She hadn't realized how much her actions of the past year had affected Dawn.  She was actually going to do it.  She could see the determination in Dawn's eyes.  And she was relieved.  She wouldn't have to worry about providing for Dawn or saving the house.  She would be able to sell the house and get an apartment…maybe even go back to school part time.  She could get a better job…things would be so much simpler.  Even as the thought crossed her mind, guilt over thinking those thoughts settled in her heart.  

         Spike watched as Buffy thought about how easy things would be if Dawn was emancipated.  'Slayer always was a selfish bitch,' he thought angrily, upset that Buffy could think about giving Dawn up so easily, especially after all that had happened between them when Glory was around.  He wasn't really surprised though, not after everything."

         Buffy glanced at Spike and could practically feel the anger radiating off him.  He would take such good care of Dawn, better than she was.  And Angel would no doubt help him.  It would be so easy to just let her go.  She thought about Giles, Willow, and Xander.  They would be disappointed but they would realize that in the end it would be better for everyone.  "Is that what you really want?  You'd be on your own.  You'd have to find your own place to live and a way to pay for food."

         "No she wouldn't," Angel said from behind her.  "Dawn is always welcome here.  She can live here, go to school, and eventually she can work with Cordelia.  She can even go to college here in LA."

         "I don't want to do this to you Buffy.  I love you.  You're my sister, but I need to be around people who don't see me as a burden."

         Buffy's face remained emotionless and Spike snarled, angry that she was even considering it, even though he'd like to have Dawn living with them more than anything.  She'd died for Dawn once and now she was just going to let her go easily so she wouldn't have to deal with the responsibility.  It pissed him off.  "Yeah, Slayer.  You should be used to givin' things up by now; Angel, Riley, your mum, your calling, your life, your dignity, why not add Dawn to that list.  I'm fairly sure she'd be much happier here than with her whore of a sister."  The words came spewing out of Spike's mouth completely unchecked.  Angel did nothing to stop him.  Dawn just looked at him, finally understanding how deep he'd buried his anger at Buffy.  Now it was pouring out of him.  He needed to do this.  "That's what you are isn't it?  Nothing but a two-bit tramp who'll spread her legs for any vamp willing to hurt her just a little bit.  You always did need some monster in your man.  That's why Captain Cardboard left, you know?  He knew just what you were.  Told me so himself when he came to my crypt to have a chat."

         "You're just as much of a whore as I am Spike.  You've spent the past few months getting fucked for money.  I never knew you went both ways.  If I had I would have invited others to play.  We could have had a whole orgy of fun.  For me it was about control.  My whole life was out of it and that was the only place I felt in control.  I got a hell of a lot of pleasure out of it too.  For you, it was a job."  She didn't mention that she was still searching out vampires every night.

"I'm a vampire, pet, most of us go both ways.  We generally don't care about the sex of our partners.  Hell, even your precious Angel likes buggery.  He always did have a thing for blondes.  Why do you think he made me?  I was adored by him for nearly twenty years.  He picked me when I was human.  And we loved each other every way possible.  Bet he didn't tell you that."  He walked toward her, anger pouring off him in waves.  Buffy backed up until she was flush against the counter her body aroused by how angry Spike was.  "I once thought you were worthy of that kind of all consuming love.  How wrong was I?  Dru is more worthy than you, and she's a few cards short of a deck."  He ignored the way her breathing got a little faster and the flush that rose to her cheeks.  Damn chit was getting off on this.  He wanted to kill her for it.  Instead he snapped at her, trying to push her buttons and make her angry instead.  "I've got to hand it to you, as a slayer you're more than adequate.  Just like that Faith-bird I heard about.  You've finally learned what a slayer is.  You're made for three things; fighting, shagging, and being completely alone.  How's it feel?"  He didn't wait for her to respond.  Didn't wait for anyone to move.  He stalked out of the room leaving silence in his wake.

         "Buffy…" Dawn began, watching her sister closely.  She hated seeing Spike do that, but it needed to be done.  This was one thing she couldn't stand up to him about.  Buffy did something horrible.  She had to deal with the consequences on her own.  The only thing Dawn hadn't known about was the other vamps.  It was kind of disgusting to think about so she pushed it to the back of her mind, focusing on making sure Buffy was okay.

         As he walked away she tried to tamp down the arousal coursing through her.  She'd forgotten how his anger had always done this to her.  And they were all seeing it.  It was kind of embarrassing.

         Angel didn't say anything.  Instead he'd just watched as Buffy nearly had an orgasm while Spike had been berating her.  It was odd to see his former love so affected by his childe.  It was also disturbing that it seemed the only thing that she responded to anymore was the stimuli of anger and sex.  She slowly walked over to the couch and sat down.  Angel remained by the counter but Dawn joined her sister. 

         "Do you really want to be emancipated, Dawn?"

         Dawn nodded.  She wanted to stay with Buffy, but she couldn't handle how Buffy was anymore.  She'd just witnessed the same scene as Angel and knew what had happened.  "I just can't deal with the way you've been.  I'm going to go crazy if I go back to Sunnydale.  I don't want to do it, but right now it's what I need."  She sighed, her decision made.  Buffy needed professional help and until she got it Dawn needed to be away from her.  

         Buffy nodded once, remaining silent.  She understood and she knew that to regain Dawn's trust she'd have to get help.  After what just happened to her with Spike, she knew it was time to go to Giles to get him to recommend someone to help her.

         Cordelia came down from upstairs concerned by the raised voices she'd heard.  "Jeez, what'd you guys do?  Spike's upstairs listening to really loud music and you three look like you've been swept up, whirled around, and deposited back on the ground by a tornado."

         "More like Hurricane Spike.  He came through and pretty much decimated everything."

         She saw the looks that Dawn and Angel had on their faces.  "What happened?"

         Angel just shook his head and she knew not to push it any further.  He'd tell her later.  "Dawn's going to be staying with us.  We're going to help her become emancipated.  Could you take her to choose which room she wants as hers?"  Cordelia nodded and he turned to Buffy.  "You're welcome to stay the night Buffy.  Longer even, if you'd like," Angel said, hospitably.  

         She looked at all of them.  She knew that she wasn't welcome by Cordelia or Spike but she didn't care.  She was tired.  She just nodded and Angel scooped her up in his arms.  She was exhausted and wouldn't have made it two steps on her own legs.  Cordelia bristled slightly, but knew that Angel was just being polite…she hoped.  She couldn't figure out what was going on with her.  She kept having dreams about both vampires.  Dreaming about Angel was nothing new.  She'd done that even in Sunnydale.  But the addition of Spike to those dreams was unnerving.  Especially since it was all three of them in bed together.  She'd never had dreams like those.  It was kind of weirding her out.  Kink had never been her thing.  That was Buffy's domain, apparently.  But the dreams still came.  Each night they became more vivid.  More real.  There were times she didn't know if she was awake or asleep.  As it was, she could hardly talk to either vampire anymore without blushing horribly.  It was embarrassing.  She was Queen C.  She didn't get flustered.

         She followed Angel up the stairs and showed Dawn several rooms letting her pick the one she liked best.  She checked to make sure everything was okay and turned to leave.  Dawn stopped her with a question.  "How long have you been lusting after them?"

         When asked later she'd swear at that moment her heart stopped.  It didn't of course, but she froze anyway.  "What do you mean?"  She tried sounding imperious.  How the hell had Dawn…sweet, little Dawn…figured it out?

         "You want them both.  It's fairly obvious."

         She spun around, losing her cool.  "It is?"  Realizing what she said, she clapped a hand over her mouth.

         "Well, yeah.  Every time one of them comes near you, you practically jump or hyperventilate.  I'm pretty sure they know, too.  They just don't have any idea what to do about it.  Spike's still healing, so he's wary of you, and Angel is worried about wanting you so much he'll lose his soul."

         "How do you know all this?  You've only been here a day?"

         "I watch everything.  Plus I've spent enough time around all of you…well, technically I have memories of spending time around you…anyways, I know you.  People never noticed when I was in the room.  I could just watch for hours as you guys talked.  It's amazing what you learn doing that."

         "Well, since you know what you're talking about why don't you tell me what to do about it."  She spun around ready to walk away.  "This is just too strange.  I should not be asking a sixteen year old for advice on my love life."

         "Don't think of me as sixteen then.  Think of me as the Key.  I'm ageless.  As for what to do about Angel and Spike, I can't tell you that.  Only you can figure out what you want.  But talk to them.  They'll understand more than you realize.  They've been around a while.  There isn't much they haven't heard or done."

         "How do you know that?"

         "I read Giles' Watcher diaries.  He keeps them locked in a file cabinet.  I found the key and read them.  He doesn't know, though.  I'm very careful about stuff like that."

         "You are way too sneaky and knowledgeable to be sixteen.  Sometimes I think people don't give you enough credit."

         "Spike does.  And now you do too."  


	2. Chapter 2

Ways of Life

By

Anessa Ramsey

(Disclaimer, Rating, and Summary in Part One)

Four days after her conversation with Dawn, Cordelia knocked gently on Spike's door.  Her nerves were jangling.  Half of her wanted to get it over with, the other half wanted to run out the front door and hide forever in her apartment to avoid the issue.  Losing her nerve, she was about to turn and walk away when the door swung open.  Spike stood there wearing nothing but a pair of blue jeans that she purchased for him.  His hair was damp and unruly.  He'd just showered and the fresh, clean smell of soap and shampoo lingered in the air around him.  "What do you want, cheerleader?"

         Okay, so he wasn't in a good mood.  She'd learned in the past few days that he would only called her cheerleader when he was upset.  Standing up regally she gave her best impression of Queen C.  "We need to talk.  Alone."

         He sighed and let her into the room.  "What about, luv?" he asked, shutting the door behind her.

         There were two ways she could do this.  She could stand there and try to explain her feelings or she could just show him.  She opted for the latter.  It had worked with Xander so it should work with Spike too.  "This," she said, walking toward him.  She stood right in front of him and grabbed the back of his neck in her hand and pulled him against her, planting her lips on his, kissing him voraciously.  For several seconds he was stiff in her arms and she was about to pull away, thinking that she'd made a huge mistake, when his arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her even tighter against him as he deepened the kiss.  All thoughts she had of leaving flew right out the window.

         She felt like she was drowning in him.  She felt everything, the feel of his cool body under her hands as they played over his taut skin, the taste of his mouth, like peppermint candies.  She wanted to crawl into him.  No one had ever made her feel this way before.  Shivers ran down her spine as his hands ran down her back coming to rest on her hips.  He pulled her closer, letting her feel how much he wanted her.  Little moans were coming from her mouth and he was taking them into his with a slight smile on his lips.  They were so caught up in each other that they never heard the door open quietly.  They didn't see Angel and Buffy standing in the hallway, frozen.  They didn't see Dawn come out of her room and stand beside Buffy.  They only broke apart when Dawn said, "Go Cordy!"

         They sprang apart with the realization that they had an audience.  Buffy's was watching them wide eyed as if unable to believe that Spike wanted Cordelia.   Angel on the other hand was growling and had a very possessive glint in his eye.  It was just like when Dru had been the one they were fighting over and it shook Spike to the core.  The last thing he needed was the appearance of Angelus.

         "Oops," said Cordelia softly, before Spike lunged forward and slammed the door in three very surprised faces.  He locked it then turned to her and before she could say a word he was kissing her again, putting everything he had into it.   She whimpered softly as he stole her breath and suddenly it didn't matter that Angel, Buffy and Dawn were still on the other side of the door.  It didn't matter that this was the vampire that had terrorized her boss and her friends.  All that mattered was the way his cool hands were sliding under the edge of her shirt, tracing soft patterns over the smooth skin of her stomach and sides.  She couldn't help the giggle that escaped into his mouth when he hit a ticklish spot.  

         Wrapping her arms around his neck, she gave into the desire to have him.  Everything in her seemed to be calling out to him.  The ache in her kept growing larger and was knawing at her.  She arched into him, her body humming with desire.  If anyone had told her a few years ago that Spike could invoke these kind of feelings in her she would have thought they were crazy.  Now though, it seemed almost natural, as if she was supposed to be in his arms.  

         He was devouring her just as possessively.  His cool lips were placing soft, open-mouthed kisses against her neck, sucking some of the skin into his mouth, biting it gently.  How they made it to the bed, neither of them knew, but she found herself pressed back against the mattress the soft cotton of the duvet beneath her.  He was lying atop her, his length pressed to hers, their legs entwined.  His fingers began to deftly unbutton the front of her shirt and she longed to feel his fingers on her bare flesh, when the door burst open and Angel strode in.  

         He hauled Spike off of her, throwing him against a wall and holding him there by his throat.  Buffy wasn't far behind him.  She pegged Cordelia with a glare that told her if the Slayer got any angrier she'd be dead.

         "You stay away from her, Spike," Angel growled at his childe.

         She sat up on the bed, her hands shakily rebuttoning the two buttons he'd gotten undone.  Anger filled her upon hearing Angel's words.  She stood and marched over to Angel, yanking his hand from Spike's throat and stepping in front of him.  "He can come as close to me as he wants Angel.  You didn't exactly see me fighting to get away.  I'm a big girl and can make my own decisions and sleep with whoever I want.  I don't answer to you when it comes to my sex life.  But then you wouldn't know anything about that, seeing as you don't have one," she snapped, her eyes blazing with fury.

         "And you," she yelled, turning on Buffy.  "You have no say in anything he does anymore.  You used him then tossed him aside.  He's not your toy, Buffy."  She sighed and her voice took on a tired tone.  "Angel, I know that you think you're protecting me but it's not necessary.  Really."  She looked at Spike then back to Angel.  This was so not going the way she wanted it to.  She was supposed to talk to them first, not make out with Spike and leave Angel wondering what the hell was going on.  "We need to talk…all three of us."  

         Buffy knew that she wasn't included in that last little statement.  Something was going on here that she knew she wasn't supposed to see.  And if she was supposed to she wasn't sure she'd want to.  Turning away, she went toward the door, but Spike stayed her momentarily with a hand on her arm.  She looked at him and didn't know what to say.  His eyes held none of the love or passion for her they once had.  It made her ache a little inside, one of the first real feelings she'd had since being back, but she knew that he was moving on.  "We'll talk, you and I," he said softly.  She just nodded, knowing that it would be a while.  He had to clear things up with Angel and Cordelia first.  Even as she thought about the three of them, she cringed inwardly.  Who would have thought Angel, Spike and Cordelia would ever be involved in some weird lust triangle.  She shuddered and then glanced back up at Spike.  She had no right to judge after her escapades lately.  "Okay," she said.  He smiled slightly and in that second she knew that things would eventually be okay between them.  It would take time and it wouldn't be easy but she knew that one day they'd actually be able to be friends…like before.  She walked away, closing the door behind her, leaving three very confused people in the room.

         Cordelia didn't know what to do or say.  Angel was glaring at her and Spike from where he leaned against the wall in the corner of the room.  God, he looked angry.  "Angel," she began to say, as Spike sat down in the chair by her desk.  She sat on the bed, her legs pulled under her.

         "Don't even start, Cordy.  What were you thinking?"

         She looked down and Spike spoke up.  "Leave off with the righteous anger, Peaches.  It's not as if you've never felt lust before.  Don't go gettin' your knickers all in a twist.  It was just a bit of hormones actin' up.  She's still in love with you…wanker."  Cordelia's eyes shot to Spike.  She couldn't believe he thought that she didn't care about him.  This was so hard.   She had feelings for them both, but she knew how hard it would be to make it work.  Spike had spent his entire relationship with Drusilla trying to earn her love away from Angelus, but she always loved her sire more.  Nothing changed that, no matter how hard he'd tried.  She didn't want to put him through that again.  But her feelings for Angel wouldn't go away, even if she couldn't act on them.

         "Shut up Spike.  She wouldn't have touched you if you hadn't done something to her.  What did you do?"

Spike growled and Cordelia glared at him warningly before glaring at Angel.  "He didn't do anything, Angel.  You're not blind.  You had to see

it."  

Angel sighed.  She was right, he had seen how she acted around Spike.  It was like her whole body tensed with arousal every time he went near her. "So you want him?"

         "Yes," she said honestly, hating the look of hurt that came over Angel's face.  "Doesn't mean I don't want you too."  Spike's head came up at that and he snapped, "What?"

         "I want both of you."  Time to be completely honest.  "For the past three weeks I've done nothing but worry every time one of you came near me.  It's strange and I'm not completely sure that I'm comfortable with it yet, but I can't help it.  Spike, you're full of such passion and love it's almost scary.  And I'd be scared to death if you loved me, cause with you I'd know it's forever.  And Angel…you make me feel safe and protected in a way I've never been.  The way you each are, the way you make me feel…it's like if I could take all those feelings that you each inspire and mesh them, I'd have the perfect guy.  Instead, I have two and I don't know what to do about it.  I mean, I can't have you Angel…not the way I want, and I can have Spike, but I'd feel horrible because you would be left out," she said, a blush staining her cheeks as she said it.

         "So where does that leave us?"  Spike was not happy.  He wanted the cheerleader, but didn't know if he could handle sharing her feelings with the one person who held the hearts of the only two women he'd ever loved.  

         Angel could see the hurt in Spike's eyes and knew that it couldn't be easy for him to be hearing what Cordelia was saying.  Never having Drusilla's heart had done a number on him.  Especially when Angelus made an appearance a few years ago.  He looked at his childe.  There was nothing left of the young lad he'd fallen in love with.  No hope of solving this the way he'd like.  An image of his childe and his seer wrapped around him, naked, panting, and sheened with sweat flashed through his mind.  It was hard for him to admit that Spike still affected him so acutely.  He always managed to hide it in Sunnydale, certain that Buffy would reject him if she knew how much he desired his childe's body.  

         Spike watched Angel carefully, seeing the beginnings of desire start to flare and whirl in those chocolate orbs that had once held so much love for him.  He knew what his sire was thinking, reliving the past in his mind, substituting Cordelia for Dru.  Except that would never happen.  Not with the curse.  And he was pretty sure Angel thought he wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole.  If only that were true.  If only he could stop the feelings that his Sire evoked in him.  It was impossible though.  His groin tightened and Angel's eyes fell to the taut fabric of Spike's jeans, the bulge encased in denim quite prominent.  

         Cordelia was breathing hard just watching them.  They didn't seem to realize just what they were doing.  Their gaze was on each other, not moving.  Both of them were aroused, and she knew that they were dying to touch each other, but it would never happen.  Neither of them wanted to make the first move.  And she did not want Angel to lose his soul.  She stepped between them, ready to put an end to their lust filled gaze.  She didn't even have time to say a word before she was trapped between them, her breasts pressed to Angel's chest.  She could feel him pressed against her, his erection pressed right against the apex of her body, tantalizing her through their cumbersome clothing.  Spike was pressed to her back, his arousal cradled by the sweet curve of her butt.  This was insane, but all she could do was moan and rock her hips between them when their lips met over her shoulder.  Oh God!  It was such an erotic sight.  Light and dark, small and large, meeting in a melding of mouths, their tongues probing and stroking, rekindling long buried feelings and desires.  

         Angel groaned into Spike's mouth when he felt Cordelia's head drop against his shoulder.  She was rocking her hips back and forth between them, driving their arousal to a higher pitch.  Angel knew that he should stop.  He was damn near close to perfect happiness and he wasn't even undressed.  But having his childe, his lover of so many years, and his seer, the woman he'd been lusting after for several months, was threatening the bonds of his soul.  He had them both in his arms and he knew that if they didn't stop he was going to revert back to the form he hated and that's the last thing he wanted to happen.  Angelus would kill them.

         Ripping his mouth from Spike's, he backed away, his eyes wide.  "I'm sorry," was all he could say before fleeing the room, leaving Cordelia and Spike staring at the spot he vacated, bewildered, wondering how things had gotten so complicated so fast…for all three of them.

         Spike was pacing.  He couldn't help it.  Things were out of control.  He wanted the cheerleader.  Who wouldn't?  She had a body made for sin.  It was the fact that he wanted Angel that was bothering him.  He thought he put his feelings behind him years ago.  Now though, all of them were bubbling to the surface, as if they'd not been forgotten, just tucked away waiting to be released.  

         Cordelia watched him for several minutes from the doorway.  He'd hidden himself in his room for the past twenty-four hours.  It wasn't a healthy thing to do.  He wasn't facing what was bothering him.  Neither was Angel, who was burying himself in paperwork and new cases.  She marched down to the office and flung open his door.  It hit the wall forcefully, bouncing off it and slamming shut behind her.  Angel didn't even look up.  Dawn was glad that Buffy had gone home two days ago.  She wouldn't have wanted to witness this.  Dawn didn't particularly want to see it either so she beat a hasty retreat to her room to give them privacy.

         "I don't know what your problem is, but would it kill you to go up there and talk to him.  He's pacing.  I know that this isn't easy for any of us and we're no where near figuring out what all these hormones are, but he's your childe and whether you like it or not you both still care about each other.  It's driving all of us crazy.  Just admit it and get over yourself.  He's not going to make the first move.  He's been hurt enough recently that he's scared to say anything.  He's hiding in his room hoping that he won't have to face it.  So do us all a favor and talk to him."

         He looked up at her then, taking in the flush to her cheeks.  She had her hands on her hips and looked like an avenging angel.  He stood quickly and she found herself pinned to the desk so quickly there was no time for her to react at all.  His face was looming above hers and her eyes slipped closed.  She was expecting a gentle kiss, the type of kiss she expected to come from Angel.  Instead it was fierce and fiery, possessive.  She moaned under him.  Finally though, the possessiveness of it registered and she pulled away.  She couldn't let him think that she belonged to him alone.  Spike would kill them both.  And some part of her didn't want to belong to just him.  It was screaming for Spike.  "Go talk to him," she whispered, running her thumb under her lip, making sure that her lipstick wasn't smeared.  Angel nodded and soon she was alone in the office.  "Damn, we've got to do something."  Her body was on fire and she could feel the wetness between her legs, seeping into her underwear.  "Gotta do something or I'm going to die of lust."

Angel watched his childe with a smirk.  He was walking back and forth across his room, muttering nonsensical phrases.  It was odd to see Spike so disturbed by anything.  Then he remembered…Buffy.  She had really hurt him.  "Spike?"  Angel asked, hesitantly, knowing that he was most likely going to be ordered out of his childe's room.  

"What do you want Peaches?"

Angel wasn't quite sure how to answer that.  He knew what he wanted but having it was a different story.  He could tell Spike the truth or he could lie.  The second option wasn't that appealing to him.  All he'd ever done was lie to Spike.  It was time to change that.  "You and Cordelia.  We both know that's never going to happen though.  I can't have either of you…and it isn't just because of the curse."  

         Spike didn't know what to say.  He wasn't quite sure what Angel was trying to put into words.  "Then what is it, cause you haven't ever been really clear on what it is about me that you find so revolting?  You used to love touching me.  Then you turned me and Dru came along and everything changed.  You couldn't even stand to be around me and only used me when Darla and Dru were occupied with something else.  William was your lover, I was just your toy.  Still am.  It's amazing how after over a hundred years that's all I'm worth to anyone.  Just ask Buffy.  She'll tell you.  I'm just an evil disgusting thing…can't feel anything real.  So why don't you toddle off and play with your pet humans some more.  I really don't feel like hearing your brooding bullshit."  He turned his back and Angel knew that there would be no more talking done.  There were just certain things he couldn't make up for and his treatment of his once lover was one of them.  He closed his eyes, their kiss replaying in his mind.  He cherished it and thought about it until his gut was tied in knots.  It was the last time he was ever going to have any of his childe.  He staggered away, the thought breaking his heart.  His childe was lost to him.

         She was tired and upset.  Things had become very strained between herself, Spike, and Angel.  They weren't even speaking to each other.  Angel was brooding constantly, when he wasn't glancing at Spike when the younger vampire wasn't paying attention.  They were both idiots.  All three of them were.  She knew she was included in the idiot category.  There had to be something she could do.  All that was standing in the way was Angel's happiness clause…and Spike's stubborn attitude, but if she could get past those maybe they'd actually stand a chance of making this weird-threeway-lust thing work.

         Dawn, Gunn, Wesley, and Fred were all on their guard, afraid that saying anything to them would result in them being fired, killed, or thrown out so not only was she tense but even those that weren't involved were nervous.  Fred refused to come out of her room when the three of them were in the office together.  She claimed it was safer there.  It probably was.   Dawn was busy getting her emancipation finalized with Wesley's help and making new friends at school.  Gunn was spending as much time as he could with his old crew or hunting demons on his own and Wes was hiding out in his apartment most of the time, burying himself in books and calling to report any knew information on pending cases.

         Spike could feel his sire's eyes follow his movements through the lobby.  Angel hadn't taken his eyes off him since that failed attempt at a conversation the day before.  He'd been wrong not to let Angel say what he wanted.  There was no way that he was going to let Angel know that though.  Cordelia was angry with both of them, and he didn't like that.  He didn't know what was happening any more than they did.  He didn't like what he was feeling.  Sure he'd loved Buffy, but his sire and the ex-cheerleader were bringing new meaning to the phrase 'insane with lust'.  It was driving him insane.  Every night he dreamt of them…Cordelia's golden flesh beneath him, shimmering with a light sheen of sweat, her hips rising to meet his as he thrust in and out of her tight, hot snatch, and Angel behind him, taking him, whispering words of love and forgiveness in his ear, Angel's fangs descending into the pale flesh of his neck as cold seed spilled into the depths of his bowels.  He'd wake up panting, his erection straining and he'd have no choice but to relieve the pressure with his hand, even though he'd much rather run down the hall to Cordelia's room, wake her, and plunge into her steaming core.  That wasn't an option though.  Not with the way things were.  He knew that they had to change before they all went mad.  He knew of a way that he might be able to take care of Angel's clause.  It would take time and he wouldn't be able to tell them where he was going, but it would be worth it if it could take away some of this tension.  He knew they'd still have a lot to talk about but if he could get rid of the clause in the curse then it would be a start to apologies and forgiveness.  He stood suddenly, ignoring both Angel and Cordelia's looks of confusion, and went up to his room.    

         Later, when the office was finally empty and Angel and Cordelia were finally asleep, he gave the office one last cursory glance then strode out the door.  They'd be hurt that he left without saying good-bye or leaving a note, but he didn't plan on being gone forever.  He couldn't tell them though.  He needed to do this without their knowledge of what he planned.   

         It wasn't hard to find the Oracles.  Angel had told him where they were located and how many times he'd consulted them for help.  He had his gift for them all ready.  Angel said that the Oracles loved anything human or out of the ordinary as long as there was some beauty or usefulness to it.   The book under his arm was heavy, it's leather bound cover worn soft with age.  The pages were yellowed and brittle, but he knew that wouldn't matter to the Oracles.  This book had been missing for centuries and had fallen into his lap ten years ago.  He'd had the sense of mind to preserve it, knowing that it would be useful one day.  He was right.  He just hoped that the Oracles knew the importance of what he was giving them.

         He was in the post office and before the door.  With an angry shove he pushed his way through the magical door and was standing before two figures who looked like they came out of a science fiction novel.  

         "Lower being, you have disturbed a sanctuary of the Powers that Be.  Why do you desecrate their sacred space with your dirty presence?"

         Spike was glowering at them.  He hated being called dirty.  It reminded him too much of Buffy.  Taking this bullshit from two beings that were supposed to be on the side of good was not what he'd planned.  "I have a request."

         "You dare to come to the Oracles, Emissaries of the Powers, to ask us for a favor?"

         "Yes."  There was no hesitancy in his voice and he knew it was probably the only thing that was keeping them from damning him to hell right that minute.

         The beings whispered amongst themselves for a few moments before turning to face him in tandem.  "What did you bring in supplication?'

         Spike placed the book in front of them and the male retrieved it, floating it to himself.  "We have been searching for this for some time.  You chose wisely.  We shall grant you whatever it is within our power to grant.  That does not include removing the chip from your brain.  We can modify it if you like, so that you may be able to defend yourself only.

         "Bloody nice of you to offer, but I'd rather have the poof's soul anchored."

         The entities said nothing for a moment, their eyes closed.  Finally they spoke.  "You wish this for selfish reasons, yet the Powers have decided that you deserve a chance to earn your request.  You will be tested.  Should you succeed your request will be granted.  Should you fail, the vampire Angelus will remain as he is, your existence on the other hand will be at an end."

         "So what's this bloody test then?"

         "We cannot reveal that to you.  Do you agree to this arrangement?"

         "Yes, now can we just get on with it!"

         "As you wish."  

         There was a bright flash of light and the next thing he knew he was standing in the middle of a cave.  "What the bloody hell?"  

         A young man came walking of the darkness and it took him several seconds to recognize him.  "You."  There was weariness in his voice.

         "Yes."

         "You're my test?"

         "I am your guide."

         "You couldn't guide anyone to the nearest newsstand."

         "One would think that someone would see through that façade of yours eventually Spike.  Where you are I am.  I am more than equipped to be your guide.  After all, I've seen what you've become…and everything you've done."

         "Where I am, you are?  Not bloody likely.  I managed to rid myself of you long ago."

         "Believe what you wish.  Drusilla was right when she told Angelus that I walk in worlds that others cannot imagine.  I always have.  What would Angelus say if he knew that his William had been trapped in the body of Spike for all this time.  I was never gone.  You just chose to ignore me.  You sought his love in ways that William never would have, and he resented the loss of his love.  He came to hate your face…your voice.  You were just a reminder that I was no longer with him.  He thought by turning me he'd preserve me forever.  Instead he created a monster with my face.  He'll never want or love you the way he loved me.  Not as long as you keep me buried inside."

         "Let's just get on with it, mate," Spike growled.  William led the way through a door that appeared in the wall.  Spike followed and found himself standing in what looked to be an arena.  

         "All you must do is win," William said quietly.

         "Win what?  I'm fighting?"

         "Yes."

         "Oh bloody hell.  You couldn't have made it something easy, could you?"  He removed his shirt and stood there loosening his muscles as he waited for his first opponent to step through the door on the opposite side of the arena.    When the demon came through, Spike took a deep, unnecessary breath.  Time to fight.  "Bring it on you wanker," he called, stepping up to the challenge ahead of him.

         Five fights later, he staggered out of the ring, bleeding and bruised, and walked to where William was waiting.  "I did it.  Won the soddin' fights.  Now give me what I asked for.

         "All you must do is ask for it.  That is the final test.  Just ask them to bring forth William."  Spike cringed and imagined this pathetic nonce taking over his body.  Just as he was about to give his answer, William said soflty, "You can always say no.  You'll forfeit your existence.  I'll go to heaven and rid myself of you, and Angelus will go on as he has.  Just say yes…or no.  The Powers will react swiftly."

         He closed his eyes.  It would have been easier if he'd had to fight someone else or survive some endurance test.  Could he really choose his own soul?  Could he go back to who he was?  He'd been no one.  A young whore with a love of poetry and books.  He focused on what Angel would receive if he did.  His soul would be permanent.  "Will I have the memories?"

         "You'll feel all the guilt that years of murder and torture have afforded you."

         "Will it be permanent?"

         "As you would be choosing it, yes.  You'll not be able to bury it so easily as Angelus was able to lose his."

         Angel's face flashed through his mind.  "I'll do it."

         "Done."

         There was another flash of white light and he was once again before the Oracles once more.  "You have passed the tests, lower being.  Leave this place and do not return."

         Another flash and he found himself outside the door and collapsed, the memories flooding him the second he left the Oracles realm.  Tears flowed freely down his face and he began to retch, the blood he'd consumed before leaving the hotel being rejected from his body.  He managed to get out of the Post Office only to end up curled up in the alley, unable to move.  Visions of the people who'd died by his hand kept him frozen, their images being all that he could see.

         Angel had been searching for two day to no avail.  His childe was missing.  Cordelia was worried and hadn't received any visions about him or anyone else.  Dawn was hysterical most of the time and Fred was calling all of Angel's contacts hoping that one of them had seen Spike.  Lorne was doing the same with his own contacts.  He'd taken to the streets each night with Gunn and Wesley, hoping to find him.  It was going on seventy-two hours that he'd been gone and Angel was beginning to wonder if Spike had just up and left.  His clothes and few belongings were still in his room but that didn't mean that he was still in the city.  He pulled his coat on, readying himself for another night of searching when Gunn stumbled through the door.  His arm was around a pale figure that Angel could barely make out as Spike.  

         "Found him.  Not quite sure if he's okay, but at least he's not dust.  He was at Anne's.  Apparently a couple of her crew found him curled up outside the Post Office two nights ago.  He was delusional, muttering to himself and talking to people that weren't there.  They managed to get him back to the shelter.  Anne knew who he was.  Apparently they ran into each other a few years ago on the Hellmouth.  Not that bleach boy here remembered meeting her.  She took him in anyways.  He's no harm to anyone.  My girl said that he was this way the whole time he was there."

         Angel looked down at the creature that was his childe.  He was curled up on the floor where Gunn had set him, his head buried against his knees.  There was a low keening sound coming from him.  Dawn wanted to help but had no idea what to do.  Angel stepped in though and took care of it.  Without looking at anyone he picked Spike up gently, cradling him against his chest.  He was up the stairs before anyone could think to say a word.  Cordelia was right behind him, heading for the bathroom to get a washcloth.  She had grabbed a bowl from the kitchen and was filling it with warm water.  She took up residence on the left side of the bed, watching as Angel gently ran his fingers over Spike's face before beginning the tedious project of removing his clothes.  She looked away while he did that, turning back around when Angel gave the okay.  She rang the washcloth out and wiped his face softly, removing all traces of dirt and grime from his beautiful features.  His hair, thankfully was not that dirty so they were in no hurry to get him in a bath.  He needed to rest for at least one night before they attempted that feat.  Angel wasn't saying a word and she wanted to know what happened to Spike for him to end up like this.  He was a survivor but this was not surviving.  He'd given up.

         She set the bowl aside and Angel gestured for her to lie down on Spike's other side.  Together they blanketed him, trying to keep the nightmares that were making him toss and turn at bay.  Hopefully with a decent night's sleep he'd be sane enough to tell them what happened.

         The next evening they woke to an empty bed.  Spike was huddled in the corner tears running down his cheeks.  Angel was crouching in front of him in seconds.  "Spike, what happened?  What's wrong?"

         Watery blue eyes stared up at him, mixed emotions swirling turbulently in their depths.  "Angelus?"  It came out whisper soft and there was no hint of the cockney accent that Spike had picked up over the years.  He sounded cultured, kind of like Wesley.

         It hit Angel with the force of a wrecking ball.  There was no way…Spike would never….  "William?" he asked, incredulously.  

         "Angel?"  Cordelia was hesitant to approach them.  She didn't know what to think of the Spike crouching before her.

         He practically leapt away from where Spike was huddled.  "I need you to watch him for a few hours.  There's something I have to do."

         She nodded.  "What's wrong with him?"

         "I'm not certain, but I think he might have gotten his soul."

         She stared at the bleach blonde vampire with a mixture of wonder and sorrow.  "How?"

         "I intend to find out."  

         "I need a gift for the Oracles."  

         Lorne stared at Angel.  "Why would you want to go see them sweet-cheeks.  Rumor has it that these two are a lot tougher than the last ones."

         "It's important and I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't have a good reason.  I need a gift."  Lorne handed him a bag full of different chocolate candies.  

         "They love chocolate."

         Ten minutes later he was facing the Oracles.  "Your gift?" They said, their voices mingling, eerily in tandem.  He threw the chocolate at them.  "You may proceed," the brother said, his eyes on the succulent treat that his sister was devouring hungrily.  

         "What was done to Spike?"

         The sister smiled.  "Your William came here to make a deal.  He passed the test and the deal was honored.  If he does not like it as such, only he may refuse it."

         "What was his wish?  What tests did he have to pass?"

         "Why you don't know Angelus?  He endured several trials to make your soul permanent.  He succeeded."

         "At what price to himself?"

         "The Powers made him as he was.  They have brought out William.  He was never missing, just forgotten.  We thought you would be pleased.  He was told that you would never love him if William remained buried inside.  Was that not the truth?"  

         Angel sighed, thinking about the young man he had loved so many years ago.  It had been a different time and they were different people.  William would never be able to survive in the modern world.  He didn't want him to try.  He wanted the man he'd been falling in love with.  He wanted Spike.  They were equals.  It was no longer about being dominant and having a lover who was submissive to him.  There wasn't room in their lives for those games and that's all William had known with Angelus, even though they'd been in love.

         "You are taking quite a bit of time to consider this question.  Mayhap we were mistaken in believing your desire for William was more than what you feel for the creature named Spike."

         "You _were_ wrong.  I want him the way he was.  William is my past and though I will always have feelings for the man Spike was, I don't love him like that anymore.  My request is that I have Spike back."

         "He became William to anchor your soul.  You must give up something in exchange.  We can always undo what was done to both of you.  Or you could provide us with something else."

         Angel was sick of this. He didn't want to play their games.  "How about this?  I work for the Powers.  Make him as he was and leave my soul anchored or you can tell them that they're down one champion and I can convince a whole hell of a lot of their other warriors to forget the fight as well.  They'd have to find new champions to spend every night fighting evil.  I'm sure Buffy would give up her role as the Slayer in a heartbeat.  We have sacrificed much for them and their whims.  They can undo this one thing."

         The brother looked furious but it was the sister who stood still for several moments unmoving.  "The Powers have agreed.  It is done.  He is as he was.  Your soul is still anchored.  Be gone from this place and do not think to return.  They have granted much for you this night."

         Cordelia was sitting with Spike when he suddenly looked up at her, the haze that had been clouding his eyes gone.  "Cheerleader?"

         "Spike?"

         "What the hell…" he began to ask what was going on when he remembered what he'd done.  "Oh god," he murmered over and over incoherently for several minutes.  Cordelia just let him after trying to talk to him and getting no response.  When he finally looked up at her she saw nothing but pain swirling in the depths of his eyes.  

         "What happened to you?  Did you really get your soul?"

         He shook his head.  "No.  They said I always had it.  It was just buried beneath the demon.  I agreed to let William out in exchange…"  He trailed off, his eyes widening.  William was buried again.  Which meant that Angel had gone to the Oracles.  "NO!  Damn it, he wasn't supposed to undo it!"  He raged for several minutes and Cordelia couldn't figure out what was going on.  

         Finally she grabbed his arm.  "Okay.  I'm kind of lost.  Would you mind filling me in on what's going on?"

         Spike sagged back against the pillows.  "I went to the Oracles."  Cordelia's mouth dropped open.  "Close your mouth pet.  I knew what I was doing."  He looked down, picking nervously at the black polish on his nails.  "I wanted them to make his soul permanent.  And they agreed."

         She knew that the Oracles would never just make Angel's soul permanent, and they were probably even more opposed to the idea because it had been Spike asking.  "What did they make you do?"

         "I had to pass their soddin' tests.  I did it and they brought William out."

         "And now Angel's had them undo it.  Which means his soul probably isn't permanent anymore."  Neither of them missed the sigh in her voice as she said it.  

         "Sorry, luv.  I tried to make it all okay for you.  The poof just can't let anything be, can he?"

         Cordelia shook her head.  This sucked.  Angel's soul had been permanent for a total of about thirty minutes before he found a way to undo it.  As disappointed she was about Angel's soul, she was glad that Spike was no longer cowering and crying.  She liked him like he was and hadn't really known what to do with the pathetic creature that he'd been that short time William had reign over his body.  "Whatever happens with Angel, I want you to know that I'm glad you're back."  She crawled onto bed and lay down next to him.  He ran his hand over her hair as she rested her cheek against his chest.  Her eyes closed gently and she was breathing softly.  "I think I could easily fall in love with you, Spike," she murmured, her voice soft and husky.  

         Angel threw open the doors to the Hyperion and practically flew up the stairs, taking them two at a time.  He was anxious to see his childe and Cordelia.  His soul was permanent.  Spike was back…or should be.  He approached the room at a slow pace, nerves causing him to tremble.  He was about to have everything he wanted.  He paused when he saw the door open a crack.  He pushed it open wider to see Spike and Cordelia laying against each other on the bed.  She was curled into him and he was spooning against her, his hand wrapped around her waist.  He shucked his coat, making sure to set it down gently so as not to wake either of the occupants of the bed.  Carefully he eased onto the bed behind Spike, spooning himself against his childe.  He draped his arm around both of them, entwining his fingers with Spike's.  He smiled contentedly when Spike pushed against him, unconsciously trying to get more contact with his Sire's body.  He squeezed Spike's fingers then closed his eyes, letting himself fall into slumber, at peace with himself for the first time in one hundred years.

         Cordelia's head was whirling with confusion.  She was having trouble waking up, that much she knew.  Her eyes were struggling to lift and she was hearing voices in her head.  They sounded suspiciously like Angel and Spike.  "Do you think she's awake yet?" she heard Spike say.  Her eyes opened.  

         "Aye, she's awake."  Angel's voice never had an accent, yet he had just sounded distinctly Irish.  She tried to gauge her surroundings when she realized that she was lying on her back in the middle of Spike's California King bed and she was completely naked except for her favorite cobalt blue thong, which was on it's way to joining her other clothes that she could see were haphazardly thrown around the room.  She also quickly realized that she wasn't the only one naked.  

         She shivered as Spike's fingers crept toward the elastic band on her hip.  Her eyes drifted to Angel who was lowering his mouth to her breast.  She could see the anticipation in his eyes as he glanced at her before turning to the task at hand.  Every inch of her skin was waiting for his mouth and she couldn't help but gasp when his cool lips settled on her.  He placed open-mouth kisses on every inch of her breast, but never once did he touch the hard, aching nipple that was demanding attention.  

         Spike's fingers had gripped the elastic and he was slowly working her underwear down her legs when Angel's mouth finally captured that oh so sensitive bud between his lips.  He chuckled when she cried out and gripped his hair.  Her back arched and it gave Spike the opportunity he needed to remove her underwear completely and spread her legs wide.  He settled between them and she glanced down.  They were going to make a feast out of her.  Remotely she thought about the fact that she didn't know if Angel's soul was permanent anymore, but she was pretty sure that Spike wouldn't be actively participating in this debauchery if it wasn't.

         All of her thoughts ceased, her mind shutting down completely, when she felt Spike's fingers part the soft folds of her femininity.  She knew she was wet, could feel it leaking from her.  She shivered and gasped when she felt Spike breath unneeded breath on her.  When he settled his mouth on her, she cried out, clutching Angel's hair harder, pulling him to her mouth, needing to kiss someone.  

         Angel mauled her mouth with his tongue, entwining it with hers, mating with hers.  His eyes were open, gazing into hers as she writhed under Spike's mouth.  She moaned into his mouth even as she looked back into his chocolate gaze.  Silently she let him know that she knew what she was doing and she wanted it. 

         Her mouth broke away from his as she threw her head back, a long, low, lusty moan escaping her lips.  Angel glanced at Spike who was running his tongue over her clit as his fingers pushed deep, hitting that perfect spot.  He could see her juices glistening on his childe's lips and he had to resist pulling Spike to him for a kiss.  Instead he straddle Cordelia's chest and he could see in her eyes that she knew what he had in mind.  Her mouth was almost on his hard aching cock when the door to the bedroom swung open.  Wesley walked in, his eyes on the book he was holding.  He didn't even notice the scene in front of him until Fred, who was next to him, screeched and clutched his arm, simultaneously covering her eyes. 

         "Oh dear," Wesley stuttered turning away as well.  He knew he was turning red and that Fred was too.  "Terribly sorry…I-I-I w-wasn't aware that y-y-you were busy.  We'll b-be going now."  He and Fred left shutting the door behind them.  Angel got off of Cordelia and Spike had lifted his head from between her legs.  Nothing like an interruption to ruin the mood.  Normally, he wouldn't have minded and just kept going, but Cordelia was turning an interesting shade of pink that he was sure she'd never been before and he could see that she was grasping for the sheet, trying desperately to cover herself.  The door opened again and Gunn walked in, already talking. 

         "Yo, man.  What happened?  Wes can't talk and Fred's nothing but red…." He trailed off when she saw the sheet covering Cordelia.  Angel was in the process of pulling on a pair of pants and Spike was lounging comfortably naked in a chair.  "Never mind."  He turned and left, muttering softly.  "Man some weird shit goes on in this place."  Spike couldn't help but laugh at that statement as the door closed.

         "Get dressed Spike," Angel snapped, tossing Spike's jeans to him, his mood deteriorating rapidly.  He was aroused and trying to get into his pants with a very prominent erection.  He was trying to will it away with his mind, but having Cordelia naked under the sheet on his bed and Spike sitting naked in the chair was playing havoc with his mind.  Spike pulled on his jeans and a t-shirt of Angel's that was much too large.  He noticed that Cordelia wasn't coming out from under the sheet.  She was completely covered by it.  

         He sat down on one side of her and Angel sat on the other.  Together they pulled the sheet down, revealing her face.  Tears were on the verge of falling from her eyes, making her lashes dark and spiky.  Spike ran his thumb across one soft cheek and then the other, wiping away the tears that slipped down her face. "It's okay, luv," he whispered softly, trying to soothe her.  He knew that this was hard for her.  She was only human, and very young in comparison to them.  He knew that she didn't have a lot of experience and having just been caught with two men by her best friends was humiliating.  She hadn't just been getting it on with two normal men though.  They were vampires and as tolerant as her friends were, he knew there would be some lectures and discussions, mostly from the Watcher.  It shouldn't have been this way.  It would have been beautiful if they hadn't been interrupted.  He would have to remember to always lock the door.  

         Angel ran his hands over her hair as Spike rose and walked to the closet.  He pulled out a pair of his jeans and a dress shirt that Cordelia bought for him.  He handed them to her along with her underwear that he retrieved from the floor.  They both turned their backs, giving her a moment of privacy to put them on.  They'd already seen it all, but she'd just been horribly embarrassed so they tried to let her retain some dignity.  "Okay," she whispered quietly.  They turned and saw that she'd had to roll up the sleeves on the shirt and the jeans were slightly baggy but they stayed up.  

         "Are you really okay?" Angel asked, concerned.  She nodded.  He'd never seen Cordelia so quiet.  It was worrying him.  He continued.  "You know they would have had to know eventually right?"  Another nod.  "I just wish they didn't find out like that.  I'm sorry Cordelia."

         "It's okay, really," she whispered.  "I was…am…just embarrassed.  It's different and I don't want them to think I'm a freak," she confessed, turning away from them.  

         Angel gripped her in a hug from behind.  "You are not a freak.  There's nothing wrong with wanting more than one person.  They'll understand.  They won't look down on you or think badly of you.  It'll be fine.  I promise."

         He released her and she turned around again, looking back and forth between them.  "What if it's more than just wanting you both?"  They just watched her, trying to read the emotion in her eyes.  "Somehow I managed to fall in love with both of you."

         Spike reached out his arm and cradled her cheek in his hand.  He glanced from her to Angel, who tilted his head and stared into his childe's eyes wondering what he was going to say.  "I love you both too."  

         He couldn't believe Spike was opening himself up and saying the words.  "Spike…"  He couldn't put what he felt at that moment into words.  Instead he leaned over and brushed his lips softly against his childe's.  "I love you too," he whispered against the soft flesh, making sure that Spike felt every vibration of the words against his mouth.  The kiss deepened for a moment as they reaffirmed their bond.  When they broke apart, Spike couldn't help but lick his lips.  He'd forgotten how good his Sire tasted.  Angel stepped up behind Spike and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him into his body.  He was still aroused and Spike wanted nothing more than for Angel to claim him again.  He knew though, that they still had to face the others so he pulled Cordelia into his embrace and kissed her cheek.  Angel whispered his love for her as well and they knew in that instant that no matter what they would work hard to make this last.

         "You're sure they'll understand?" Cordelia whispered softly, burying her face into Spike's shoulder, content to be held by them.

         "Positive, luv.  And if they say anything to hurt you, I'll pound them into the ground."

         Cordelia couldn't help but smile at the comment.  It was typical Spike, showing he cares by threatening anyone who might hurt those he loves.  "Thank you Spike," she said, kissing him on the lips quickly.  When she pulled back she was swept off her feet by Angel, who planted his lips on hers, his tongue invading her mouth.  It was hungry and desperate.  She moaned into his mouth even as the thought that things would always be like this between Angel and Spike flitted through her mind.  There would be challenges.  Spike and Angel had a lot to work out.  Spike wouldn't stand for always being the submissive one and Angel would have to learn that Spike was a Master vampire in his own right and not just Angel's childe.  The old ways were over and they would have to learn to adapt to the way they were now.  There would be fights and times when they would think that it would never last but she knew that she could diffuse any situations that arose.  She was Queen C.  

         She broke the kiss and Angel set her on the floor.  She was Queen C.  The thought echoed in her mind.  She was Queen C, once the biggest bitch Sunnydale had ever seen.  She should not be weeping and embarrassed over taking what she wanted and being caught at it.  She never would have reacted like that in high school.  The 'bitch' would have defended herself with sarcasm and wit.  She never would have crawled into a corner.  Not even the episode with Xander Harris had cowed her.  She survived being impaled on rebar and being scorned by her old friends.  She could certainly survive being caught in a compromising situation by her friends.  She was just relieved that Dawn was at school and hadn't witnessed this.  She smiled, a wide, practiced, pageant-winning smile.  Angel and Spike both stepped back a bit, disturbed by the wicked gleam in her eyes that accompanied her smile.  "You're right.  It will be fine."  She grabbed their hands in hers and pulled them behind her as she walked out of the room.  "Now's as good a time as any to get this over with."

         They were dragged along behind her, both slightly confused at the sudden change in attitude.  Angel was a little more familiar with the Cordelia he was seeing now.  She was not going to let this get her down.  He knew she had a name for this…Queen C.  Regal and commanding, that was Cordelia in a nutshell.  

         Wesley, Fred, and Gunn were all at the counter discussing the possibility of Angel losing his soul with Cordelia.  Not to mention the fact that it hadn't been just the two of them, but Spike as well.  Cordelia was involved in some three-way sex triangle with two vampires.  She was either possessed or crazy and they were discussing what should be done when they heard the trio coming down the stairs.  They stopped talking and looked up at them.  

         Wesley began to speak but was quickly cut off by Cordelia who placed her hands on her hips and stared at them intently.  Angel and Spike made an imposing picture, flanking her on the left and right, but still slightly behind her.  She was obviously in control of this discussion.  "Can it Wes, I know what you're going to say and it won't work.  First of all, what I do in my spare time is my business.  As is what Angel and Spike do.  It won't do you any good to try and talk me out of this so you may as well save your speeches, lectures, and sarcastic comments."  She looked at Fred.  "And no questions in the name of scientific curiousity either."  Fred blushed and Wesley noted that Cordelia's voice was hard and determined.  Gunn and Fred had never witnessed Cordelia in Queen C mode and it was a sight to behold.  "Second, there's nothing to worry about with Angel.  The Powers anchored his soul.  No more perfect happiness."  Eyes widened over that bit of information, but no one was given a chance to speak or ask questions.  "Lastly," she said, her voice softening, "I love them.  They love me…and they love each other."  She turned as she said it, smiling when she saw Angel and Spike glance at each other longingly.  Oh yeah, lots of love going on there, she thought before turning back to her friends and continuing.  "We're happy and we want this.  You can either accept it and still work with us, or you can go and we'll look for other people to help us fight the fight.  It's your choice.  Why don't you think about it for a while?  We're going back up to the room.  You can go home.  Fred, you don't mind staying with Wes tonight do you?  We're going to need a little privacy." 

         Fred just nodded and Gunn said he'd pick up Dawn from school and take her to Anne's for the night.  Wesley had turned a bright scarlet color and his Adam's apple kept bobbing lightly as his throat worked.  He was near gasping over how bluntly Cordelia had described her new 'relationship' with Angel and Spike.  The three employees of Angel Investigations who were not currently involved in a threesome just watched silently as Cordelia led her vampires back up the stairs, obviously intent on picking up where they'd left off upon being interrupted.  Once they were out of sight, Gunn burst out laughing, letting out all the humor he'd found in the situation.  "What was that?"

         Wesley just shook his head sadly.  This was going to complicate everything.  "I believe Queen C just appeared and apparently she has decreed that this new development is not for discussion."

         "Queen C?" Fred asked softly.

         Wesley gathered his jacket from the office and shut out the lights.  "I'll explain in detail if you'd both like to join me for a drink.  I suddenly feel the dire need to get astonishingly drunk and pass out.  Maybe then I'll wake up and this will all have been a nightmare."

         Gunn glanced over his shoulder at the stairs leading to the upper level of the hotel when he heard Cordelia's laughter drift down the stairs followed by a long, lusty, obviously male moan.  "I don't know man.  I don't think any amount of alcohol will make this go away.  Like I said before, nothing but weird shit happens in this place."  The door closed behind him, shutting out the sounds of a new and interesting relationship being consummated.


End file.
